The Lasting Effects of a Full Moon
Written by Fletcher “Butchwax” Ferguson
If you are thinking this story is my theory of how the moon effects the psycho-social behavior of man you would be incorrect but only from an astronomical perspective. Nor is the title eluding to my theory of how the moon was created or about lunar phases. The story is more precisely referring to the act of mooning and it’s effects on women, a particular woman.
As we go through life we are all benefited by the wisdom of others in positions of authority whom have as their job either by proxy, job description or self appointment the need to review our work. Parents, spouses and friends not with standing we get critiqued by others whether we want it or need it. Teachers have done it and just like basketball players there are good ones and bad ones. The better the teacher the better the instruction, the less harsh the criticism. A lot of critics just like to point out to us where we went wrong, at least in their opinion, offering no positive suggestions. Spouses give you their two cents worth mostly out of an act designed to either boost your ego or deflate it. Friends offer their opinion mostly out of the need to run their mouth and voice how they would have done it, usually after the mistakes where realized. The police are quick to point out our driving mistakes and mostly assume we did what ever it was on purpose. "Well yes officer, I should have seen the change in speed limits but I didn’t. I did not intend to speed but I did go faster than the posted limit. That should be the end of it but no you got to pay for your mistakes, intentional or not.
Some employers are among those that for the most part look for all the things you do poorly and are very quick to point out mistakes only for the purpose of keeping you from earning more than they think you are worth. Building inspectors have a job to do when they point out the errors of construction but a lot of the rules that apply to construction are in place because some bureaucrat who has never lifted a hammer has decided it is necessary. Not unlike the neighborhood covenant police that require wooden shake roofs which in turn invite squirrels and silverfish into your home, don’t hold water very long, are designed to look nice for only a short while, force us to pay for constant repairs and are a guarantee that if there is a fire, the house will burn much better.
Any way there is always somebody checking on us. Our tax filings are checked on by the IRS. This happened to me. I have to say that the process of an audit is not fun, extremely stressful and demands a great deal of time costing major money directly and indirectly. The year I was audited came on the heals of the loss of two businesses directly caused by the government. One business, a mobile blood chemistry lab was bankrupted over night after a certain U.S. Senator made a nationwide press release stating that we were unregulated along with a lot of other lies. My first gym was bankrupted due to an announcement that a street was going to be put right thru the building. After that hit the paper I could not give a membership away. Eventually I received Right of Way money that afforded a move but bankruptcy was still the result. A year later came the audit.
When I received the Right of Way money it came with a copy of the Federal Register that specifically stated that the money was non taxable and that when I filed my taxes I did not have to claim the money. Well I lost that publication, some how. When the audit began, the prune faced old bitty that conducted the audit used intimidation, scare tactics and threatened me with jail time if she found anything. She did.
The agent claimed that the Right of Way money was taxable and I was in deep shit. She verbally abused me day after day. I contacted the Right of Way office and they said "yes, that money is taxable." I hired a high dollar tax attorney who said “yes, that money is taxable” and sent me a $1800 dollar invoice. Three weeks of hell later I received in the mail a copy of the Federal Register I had requested six months prior. Low and behold I was right the money was not taxable. I send a copy of the publication to the tax attorney with an invoice for $1800, he never paid me. When I showed the IRS agent the publication she accused me of forgery. That’s when I lost it, dropped my pants and mooned her from across the desk and left the office. She called two days later offering no apology but asked instead for my wife to come to close out the audit. It seemed after hundreds of auditing hours, we owed the government 37 cents.
Twenty years hence we have not been audited again. I guess one look at a full moon can change even the government’s perspective.
